Dadlands in Chelsea & Battersea: 1st June 2022

Chelsea and Battersea are reluctant sisters; staring each other down from either side of the Thames. The ongoing regeneration of the latter has lead to the district’s unofficial rebranding as “South Chelsea”, to the horror of Sloanies across SW3. However, we reckon this (admittedly incredibly docile) postcode war could be very easily settled by pairing every Chelsea Pensioner up with a cat from Battersea Cats Home. Seriously, why has no one thought of this before? Happy cats, happy pensioners. It’s perfect. Anyway, it doesn’t matter where you’re starting from to get to this area – it’s well served by the tube network and mainline rail services both north and south of Chelsea Bridge, as well as Uber Boat by Thames Clippers at Battersea Power Station.

National Army Museum, SW3 4HT is free to enter. Get them acting like real Army recruits at one of the museum’s Play Base soft-play sessions (£6.25 per child) – like SAS Who Dares Wins, but without the rain. Then head to the Royal Rations workshop (11am-1pm daily this half term) and ice and decorate a biscuit in the spirit of Lizzie’s Platty-J.

Birdies Crazy Golf, SW11 8AB is hosting family-friendly daytime sessions this half term. It might be the first time your kids have held a golf club, but you never know, you could have unwittingly reared the next Rory McIlroy. An adult ticket will cost you £12 while a kid’s ticket will set you back £10 or £16, depending on whether or not you opt for the set lunch menu.

Battersea Park, SW11 8NU was originally a well-trodden duelling spot, so if by this point in the day your kids are close to killing each other, they’re being totally historically accurate. Let them loose in the massive and ever-evolving playground, fork out for GoApe if you haven’t recognised the risk of over-tired kids getting stuck in trees, or spend around £20/hour (assuming one adult, two kids) trying not to drown them on the boating lake. If that all sounds a bit much, just pack a ball and a picnic and enjoy the 200 acres of green space.

Bab Dad and Ro hang out post-putt at Birdies Battersea.